I was daydreaming in the hairdresser's dat day when it suddenly hit me.

The reason why I don't get the perfect cut I want is because the hairdresser didn't get enough information from me about what I'm looking for. Most of the time they hear what they want to hear about what I have to say and then decide what they want to do to my hair based on what they think I should want for my hair.
Which is totally off-tangent.

It again dawned on me how everyone acts and thinks out of their own perceptions and assumptions. I would be telling the hairdresser a desire to 'trim my hair', however how I vision 'trim' would not at all be how he envisions 'trim'. And if with just that information he gathered should he think he knows what I'm looking for, then he fails to make a good hairdresser.

Same goes to everything and everyone else.

If I'm not closing my sales, I'm not asking enough questions.
If I'm not servicing my clients excellently, I'm not asking enough questions.
If I'm not getting the results I want, I'm not asking enough questions.
If I'm not fulfilled in my relationships, I'm not asking enough questions.
If I'm not an effective leader, I'm not asking enough questions.
If I'm not attractive the guys I want, I'm not asking enough questions.
If I'm not earning the amount of money I want, I'm not asking enough questions.
If I'm not clear of my direction in life, I'm not asking enough questions.
If I'm not certain of who I am, I'm not asking enough questions.

Its simple. Its a no brainer. Its not rocket science.
The technology of asking questions. Most of the time in fact, it isn't even about asking the 'right' questions (although asking the 'right' questions could make a world of difference), it is just about asking questions.
If it is one thing the world would never run out of, it would be questions.


Would it?

I was casually flipping through the pages of the weekend's TODAY paper and glancing through a full page spread on 'SEX AND THE SINGAPOREAN', an article covering Sexpo and 'Big Boyz Toyz' exhibition happening down at Expo when an advertisement at the bottom left corner of the paper caught my eye.

It very daringly claimed:



"With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible"

Come and be blessed!


I sharn't name the ch**ch in the event they decide to burn down my house for blesphemy.

..and I'm loving every bit of it.

I've got this craving for performing in the spotlight.
Just like daddy.
And it's still something I dream of.

The circus makes you happy.
This one makes me mad.


rrr! ----->

At the Swiss Dream Circus.

It makes me want to be swiss.
It makes me want to dream.
It makes me want to join the freaking circus.

It was amazing. And it had been a long time since I've let myself go so much.
I was screaming like a mad woman in labour i tell ya! And halfway through I noticed myself sitting at the edge of the stupid chair,and I felt my heart jump too a couple of times - I absolutely insist its the acts that got me, not the hotties.
Absolutely insist.

However just for the record, I could've kissed each and everyone of them after the show for being so wonderfully loving, if I didn't have my cheeks stuffed with crepes and my head going light from the white wine.

Being there with such marvelous ppl, including all those friends who were there as well, just presented to me the best 22nd brithday present EVERah.and everah and everah and everah. maybe until next year.

To all the self-proclaimed and self-insistant victims out there,






Nothing is going to change until you do.
(And change does not include sob stories)

I'm half asleep.
Maybe dats why this is the best time to rant.

I need a man.
You don't hear that often from me, and you seldom will.
Cuz my alter-ego would insist i don't fucking need one.
ALright, maybe i don't really need one. I sure want one though.
Someone who makes me swoon.
Someone who's such a source of strength and inspiration, not because I'm not one to myself, but because he's just so good at what he does.
Someone who runs the world, and needs me to run his world.
Someone who fits, not as a perfect match (oh please.)but as a knowing.
Someone who has a light around him and a fire burning inside him.

I want someone like John fucking Gault.
Or Hank Rearden. Maybe I go too deep into what I read, but it makes me wonder if there is actually men like that out there. And, if the Gods decide to spare us and throw some down onto earth, please send him my way.

I think you should make everyday night.

Because night is good.

Night makes me happy and powerful and carefree.

I don't like days.

Days are bright and hot and sunny. I don't like to do things in the day. Maybe except suntan. But that's about it.

Nights are cooling. Everyday should be a night.

Then I can dance naked in the moonlight like how my ancestors did.


Pretty please.

Like, how on earth ppl can like jogging.
or not like cheese or chocolate
or not love golden retrievers
or not surrender to the beauty of a dusk sky

If I get a penny for everytime I'm baffled, I'd be a millionaire by now.

We hung at the beach again today. It was a lil extra special cuz we celebrated Sarah's bday, with a tiramisu, and a lovely lil pink candle. Her fav colour.
I never regretted retaking POS again, it brought me closer to friends I never really befriended - Sarah, Mich and Yi Ling. These arn't the kind of people I'd mix with in the context of my 'normal' (version 1.0) social circle, due to the fears running and all the stupid judgements I'd pass on them initially. And I'd suspend those due to the nature of my work, but getting to know them more in POS really surprised me and got me appreciating each individual.
And Yi Ling stunned me for a min when she whispered (oh so romantically) into my ear, thanking me for being her new friend.

So simple, so innocent, so child-like, so pure.

Just like Sarah when she laughs her hearty laugh.
And Ain when she giggles and her eyes disappear.
And Emma lighting up when she grins.

All it takes to warm someone's heart.

(Check out the beach pics under the SNAPS link!)

Did I mention this state comes along with a really strong urge to kill people?

It really isn't healthy to keep the cocky, vengeful, agressive, verbal abusive, evil cynical bitch in for too long. She kindda clammers to get out.

Maybe returning the car to my mom would be a good idea before I delibrately run someone down.
Like the next person who gives me hari raya goodies.

Snarl.

Its been a horrible week.
Totally unfulfilling, unmotivating and meaningless.
It's been the longest of time since I've last sunk into this place. For the last few weeks, I knew what I wanted, I was driven (enough) and felt so unusually matured at being able to cause my own shifts and do what I need to do.

Now i don't. Even.
Want to.

Ugh.

At this point, I'm totally non-excitable, non-cheerful and not at all bouncing with Life.I feel like how I was before TCC, just with a hell lot more responsibilities now (that i'm growing up, haha)

That's what the whole week's been about - a fucking 'holiday' mood (not like there's anything to holiday from or celebrate about really) that I tried hard not to sink into. But after years of conditioning it does take alot of effort, and the entire week was a half-assed in and out of slacking. I kept giving in to the illusion that slacking wld give me the energy and refreshment I'm looking for - and I was so wrong.
Looking back (and as usual, hindsight's always too late) the more I want energy, the more I shld do what I'm not inclined to. Over the last few weeks I've learnt that the most fulfillment comes from doing the very thing you dread - be it calls, jogging, whatever that pushes you past your boundaries. Its shit irritating, but its the most rewarding - not having fun through escapsim and laziness.

I so hate myself sometimes.

And all this giving into hari raya goodies (!@*($#?!) doesn't make matters any better!

Oh bother.
I'll be back soon. I just need to air my insides for awhile, repair the system, fix some loose bits and rewire my hyper-'hoops & yoyo'-active-perpetually-in-heat-cheerleader machine.

you are going to get lost in the woods on a hiking
trip. you will be exploring, but you won't find
your way out of the woods and will starve to
death. but before that you will have a great
life.


How will you die?
brought to you by Quizilla

I've decided already.
When I die...





I'm going to be wearing a mean-ass black dress with a V-neck low-cut neckline all the way to tbe belly button. The dress will be sequined and lace, and I'll request a pale complexion with blood red lips.Mole is optional. Make sure my eyebrows are drawn like they always are (But that's the only part of me that's going to be fake, I swear)

EMMA and AIN.

IF I EVER GET SORE EYES, I"M GOING DISOWN THE BOTH OF YOU AS FRIENDS.

TIGER EYES

You have Tiger Eyes
Positive Traits:
Determined, Passionate, Loyal, Strong,
Courageous
Negative Traits:
Aggressive, Ambitious, Domineering, Possessive,
Vengeful


Your eyes are the windows to your soul. What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Presenting....

.. a night of wonderment and awe.

The fucking circus is in town, and if you don't catch it, you'll always wonder about the kind of magic that goes on in the tent. And no matter how much you speculate, or try to avoid the thought, it'll pop out from time to time.

In a world where we all carry masks around, it is rare we find the time to sit down, let go, and just surrender to what is. People never really grow up, we just grow old. And inside there is a little child who needs to run around the house screaming and shouting and knocking things over, just for the heck of it.

Let him/her go amock next friday at the Grand Opening of The Swiss Dream Circus.

It's not everyday we take the time off to be a kid again, and watch in amazement at what the other 99% of the world can't do (but secretly wish they could).

ITS A FUCKING CIRCUS OPENING. AND IF YOU HAVE THE URGE FOR SOME EXCITMENT IN YOUR LIFE, MAKE IT DOWN!

If not, well. You wldn't be reading this blog. (or maybe you wld cuz you don't have anything else more thrilling to do in your life).

Friday
11th Nov 2005
(The 11th by the way, is the day when exciting and miraculous events take place! hehehe)
Starts 8pm
Opp Bugis Seiyu

Drop me msg if u want tickets. They're going at $22 a piece. Which btw, is the same price of a cut of meat at Jack's place. My point to that is - spend on something more extraordinary!

Its not everyday I spring up and out of bed by 8am in the morning.
However,
Its not everyday you get to set up a circus either.
Although crawling out from under the sheets and into the toilet at 8 fuckingAM isn't exactly a hobby, I'd love to think a circus coming to town is even more of a rare sight.

Sawdust, heat, sun, uneven ground and foreign language might not exactly be motivating for anyone at 9 in the morning, but I couldn't think of a better way to start the circus set-up.

Actually maybe I could. Like, wearing WHITE for instance instead of black.
But lets focus on the positive here abit. Who talks about negative shit at a CIRCUS anyway?

Getting involved in the set up of an international circus was amazing.
Not everyone gets this privilage, this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. (Forgive me if that sounded cliche, thanks to all those sappy nonsensical loveydovey songs out there who proclaim LOVE to be the same thing. Yea. You obviously lead a really sad and lonely life if love was once-in-a-lifefuckingtime.)Circus-es are all about awe ad wonderment and magic the moment you step in, until the minute you fall asleep in bed at night. And then you wake up the next morning totally forgetting about the experience. Okay. Focus. Back to the positive stuff.
Watching a freaking circus isn't a once-in-a-lifetime opporunity. Getting INVOLVED in it is a totally difference story altogether! And to be part of raising the tent! Omg. It puts in so much more meaning and 'meat' to the circus and respect to these .... circus people. (Is that their job title? Cuz I don't really know what to call 'em) I've always wondered what their lives are like, the people behind the costumes and masks and acts and talents and wierd shit that they do which 99% of the rest of the world can't. I usually sit there in awe watching them perform, or watching the gapping mouth of the person sitting next to me. These are people who invoke in the public inspiration and dreams, that such purity and joy in the world is actually possible, enabling everyone to leave the circus charged up and energized and daydreaming. I suspect it's got something to do with watching the extra-ordinary occuring, or witnessing someone else pulling off something you've always wished you could do. And seeing that happen actually insists that it is possible. And working with these horribly 'normal' people today got me respecting them and their art even more. That behind all that stardom and glitz and glamour is so so much hardwork involved. And I'm not talking about all the years of training they went through. I'm talking about all the ground work needed for all the rest of occur. I mean, uneven ground isn't very star/glitz/glamour-like. Much less a circus that consists of a popcorn bowl and a peice of cloth laid out on the roadside to attract by-passers.

Which brings me to the tent.
Ohh.
Don't ever underestimate the circus tent - its meaning, its associations, its use and all that's it has seen and been.
A circus isn't a circus without a tent. Period.
A circus without a tent is called busking. Plus, I think it might be a little hard for the artiste to concentrate on their balancing acts while there's thunder and lightening and heavy rain falling upon them and their audience. Although that would be considered entertaining as well. But knowing Singaporeans and their obsessive need to get everything free, I don't see how the circus is going to earn.

Okay. Back to positive stuff. See, that's what circus-es do to you. They make you happy and chirpy. Like see how much I've rambled already?

Rambling by the way, is a talent I've only recently discovered. However I'm only limited to type-rambling. I.E blogs and MSN. Once in a while I decide to punish people with my talk-ramblings - which don't in any way really resemble proper tea-cup english.

So today was fruitful in that I finally know how a circus tent is set up. Not that I'll set one up ever (i'd likely loose the instructions sheet before I get started) but considering the last I set up was a juicer (no. kidding)... a 5 men tent, hey. I've got the evolve right? So its only natural I move on to something bigger. Like a 100 men tent.

Today was also fruitful in that after ages, I finally got back into hard-under-the-weather kindda labour. And it only reinforces that FOUNDATIONS are so extremly important. Strong solid even ground, simple key skeleton structures set in place, a functional body to protect the insides - that's all required to get going. Bonuses would include a barrowful (its gone high-tech now though, we used a forklift!) of laughter, fun, support, and friendships along the way. I did not catch anyone snapping or screaming or bitching at each other. They were truly like a family, all clear and going about what they needed to get done - set up the fucking tent.

In top of that, as usual, watching myself at work flooded me with a load of insights with the way I perform in my life - how I work hard and intentionally, am high on energy and outlook at the beginning of the project. I seem to just keep going. However everything goes downhill the moment I take a break, and from then onwards its a hassle to put back in the same amt of energy in what I'm doing, and then all I look forward to are breaks. That accounts for my entire life's unproductivty and inability to turn an idea into reality.
Lately I've been inquiring into where I'm good at, and this got me more stuff on the way I am around leadership. The reason I managed (so far at least) to raise to leadership levels is because I listen to instructions.

Yup.
I'm a sheep.
My parents raised a sheep.

And even though I rebel at times, I end up rebelling against my rebel which ends up with me having this 'nice' thing going on, and the displeasure to displease authority. Which works in getting into their good books, and doesn't in terms of the fear of upsetting them.

I also observed the level of initiative is pretty high, I don't know yet how that came about though. It's a 'can't just see how a difference can be made and not do anything about it' thing which likely comes from the 'i need to be useful' program anyway.

By the time I was done with the circus set-up for the day, I had pretty much gotten a sense of what goes on behind the scenes put up- the kind of intensity and passion needed for anything we really want to happen. That we all dream of that job / position/ career/ accomplishment we want, however when we're on the way to getting there, we meet all sorts of obstacles (and the bigger the dream, the bigger the obstacle) and we whine/ grumble/ sulk and entertain thoughts of giving up. Introduce confrontations, creates drag, and that dream isn't a dream anymore. Its a fucking chore. And this was the very thing we desired so much in the first place.

These people own the circus -from the start, through the middle and to the very end. They have made it their creation, and this gives their spectators a chance to create along with them.

(At this point I just want to add, everyday we get presented with opportunities that could be life-changing, regardless of the magnitude of the change, how often are we actually conscious of that and grab them by the balls, before they're gone forever?)

Everyday is a new creation.
There really isnt a point in living if you end up doing the same things everyday, anyway.
Cookie-cutter your days, and your life will look like an entire tray of gingerbread men which look so frighteningly-not surprisingly identical. That's not living. That's convenience.