A friend today took the first step to make a difference to his life.

And I acknowledge him.
For his courage and determination and love for himself.

To watch your life go on and on and loop the same fucking way is 1 thing.
To let it is another.
To bitch and whine and grumble about life not going the way you want it but not do anything about it,
is plain fucking stupid.
To bitch and whine and grumble about life not going the way you want it but not do anything about it, and then get challenged to do something about it and chicken out and give all sorts of shitass justifications and excuses about why it SHOULD stay that way,
is.
plain.
nonsense and a sorry excuse for a living being.

Welcome to the human race.
Unfortunately.

a split second is all it takes
to feel the pain of the world wash over
it stabs my heart
and tenses my lids

People don't question anymore.
We don't see what's so blatant in front of us.
And when we do, we choose not to believe it
and hold on to an illusion
and all the comfort and safety it provides.
like the thrilling part of a horror show
we shut our eyes in that instant
we cld've faced our fears, the darkness and the nasty
and only open them up again when we feel its safe
and normality resumes.

and life as we know it, carries on.
We're going to kill ourselves in the end.

Change occurs all around
but not in that one place where it'll make all the difference

My eyes hurt. They're tensed and tired.
And this is only the beginning.

I tried blogging a warning but it got lost.

Maybe some things arn't meant to be read.



Fuck you.
I'll never let you win me.

I

feel.

so significantly

sick. sometimes.

I wish I cld skin you alive with a fucking carrot shaver.

Friday night we attempted suicide:

We went for Zouk's reopening after their $7 million revamp.

I must say first of all, I pat my back for being so awfully couragous. Doggie treats go to Ain and Emma as well. Nothing more strengthening then my fellow soldiers fighting this out with me. We queued for almost an hour before getting our chops, after which we headed to the kopitiam to settle my chicken craving.

I saw the most beautiful piece of meat there, at least for that night.
(Am i taking my obsessions abit too far?)
As he stared at me from where he was, I wanted to reach out and stroke him and coo at him and tell him he's one hellfa beautiful looking peice of meat.

Okay. I don't really feel like talking about my phuture experience now. I'm too distracted.

hmm.
yum.

Today I perched on the wing of an aeroplane.
And I looked to my right, and I saw sky.
And I looked to my left, and I saw sky.
And I looked above me, and I saw sky.
I peeked below me and all I saw was sky.

I climbed to the body and spread myself out
and stretched my energized body and lay there to sun
I looked around and saw no destination to go to.
There was no need for one.
I had already reached, and I continue to.

IhateitIhateitIhateit.

STILL.


but its all a fucking disguise.

Its odd.

I just blogged something that I was blogging
out loud.

Lashing out at how I want to be heard.

And it disappeared. Maybe it wasnt even meant to be seen.

Like how all this feels deja Vu now.

I said,

I just. fuck.
Its fucking tiring, to wanna say something
to have something drive u fucking nuts
and it just needs to be released.
And there's not one to say it to.

The virus spreads in contact with air.

Omg. I just wanna fucking say it.

But there's everything else dat's keeping me from doing so.



AND.
I.
Fucking.
hate.it.

she sways to the beat
of the voices in her head
that quietly creep
behind her back
with a knife in hand
ready to plunge
into a woven
set of lies
she cries
.

You know you've lost your mojo when you glance around the world and end up back at the beginning only filled with the stillness of boredom.

I've decided to stop being a pussy and get things going in my life. And this included a bloody exercise regime which I had been procrastinating for donkey years. Since half a year ago all I ever did was to stare at myself in the mirror in dismay at my extras...and then head back to bed after having a really nice warm yummie-in-my-tummie simpang supper of chi-keng wings and teh-o-ice-limau.

:( !!

So it started with nightly exercises on the power-rider. And leg lifts and sit ups and push ups and squats.
Then it moved on to Bukit Timah Mountain every Thurs morning.
And back 20 min warm-ups and 40 min routines at Dance class.
Then the yoga craze and finally with 20 laps in the pool just yesterday.

It feels good just moving my ass vs. complaining and whining about how fat I am and not doing anything about it. Keeping this up is going to be tough though, considering my energy and interest lasts a good 3 weeks max before it starts to die down again. That's the problem. I usually start out excited about trying on new things, and drop them the moment it becomes a routine. Like a kid who wishes like crazy for that new toy, and throws it aside the very next day.The cycle's so flawed it's not funny.

Mom's been making salad for me almost everyday, and delivering it to my room at 7am in the morning. She packs everything nicely in a tuppleware which includes a small little container for the sauce. She says to drink lotsa fresh fruit juice and eat my greens and I'll be nice and slim by sis's wedding day.

Sounds good to me. I wouldn't wanna go for the dinner and get mistaken for a pregnant bride instead.